As a women’s health and sexuality educator, I spend lots of time working with women on how to be more assertive sexually. Communication skills are important when telling a partner what you want. No beating around the bush (unless that turns you on). No assuming he/she knows what it is that makes you aroused. Saying it isn’t easy, but once you get the hang of it, you’re in much better shape.
When Fifty Shades of Gray made it big, there was a plethora of essays by female writers I respect (I won’t name names because I’m commenting in general) about how the female curiosity about and interest in being submissive to a partner as a sexual practice meant that we’re all willing to return to the bad old barefoot and pregnant and “lie back and think of England”* days. Why is it, then, that many powerful men enjoy being dominated. Is there something about that surrender to surprise and enjoyment of the link between pain and pleasure that appeals to both genders? Of course there is, but why should we be ashamed of it while men are just “exploring,” even those who return to their day-to-day work dominating others.
Are there some practices that some women embrace that trouble me? Sure. (More about that later.) But as human beings we more often than not embrace a range of sexual feelings about all kinds of things we never thought we’d be into. And that’s okay. As long as our sexuality takes place in a safe, consensual space, we have nothing to be ashamed of. And it’s about time.